I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
