I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize