she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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