Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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