You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize