My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize