She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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