so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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