My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
