You're so nebulous sometimes
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
