My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
