You don't have asthma, your pregnant
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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