Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
