Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
