shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
