Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
