My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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