Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
