woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
