don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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