You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
