i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
