Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
