She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
