I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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