just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
