she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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