we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I supernannyed him into submission
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