I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
