remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Everything about him screamed your future.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize