You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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