if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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