i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
