I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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