do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Randomize
