I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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