She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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