I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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