just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
