JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
