Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
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