I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
