I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
