How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
