I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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