I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
