I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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