She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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