WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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