Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
