God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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